What do I mean by this? Why would good guy gestures ever be a red flag? If a guy is displaying character traits that you have always wanted in a guy, why should you question them? Guys like this are rare, so it might be tempting to resist the instinct to push them away. Now, let me be clear. Guys who display fake ‘good guy’ gestures aren’t necessarily evil guys or guys who are determined to break every woman’s heart. While some of them are, most guys like this just don’t know how to be in a relationship. But choosing a guy who doesn’t know how to be in a relationship is almost always a bad idea. RELATED: 11 Mistakes Women Make That Destroy Their Chances Of Finding A Good Man
Five gestures that make him seem like a ‘good guy’ — but might be a major red flag
1. Leaning in too quickly
So, you have met a wonderful guy and you are so into him. And, he is really into you too. You have spent time talking for hours, sharing your hopes and dreams, being vulnerable, and talking about the future. You know that you are falling in love with him and he is saying that he is already in love with you. And you are so happy! Not so fast. One of the fake ‘good guy’ ‘gestures that are actually huge red flags is when guys lean in too quickly. They use the ‘L’ word, talk marriage, and children very early on in the relationship. I always tell my clients that when someone tells you that they love you quickly in a relationship, this is a huge red flag. Why? Because this person doesn’t really know you. They know who they think you are or who you are presenting yourself to be. As time goes on, this could change. And, if it does change and they realize that they aren’t in love with you, you might be left devastated because you had fallen hard for them, as women often do with men who profess their love early on. So, if you are finding that your guy is leaning in hard, is talking about how the two of you are going to live happily ever after and that you are the love of his life, tread lightly. I know that it feels really good right now, but it might be one of the gestures that are actually huge red flags. RELATED: 6 Major Signs A Man Is Not Being Authentic About His Feelings
2. Buying you frivolous gifts
So, this is an interesting one. I mean, who doesn’t like gifts, right? A few years back, I met this wonderful guy. We hit it off quickly and started to spend a lot of time together. I really liked him. He was funny and smart and kind and, it seemed, very generous. He loved to buy me gifts. The first gift he bought me was a phone holder for my car. Then he bought an electronic thermometer for my house. Then he bought me a new comforter. He bought me beautiful new gold earrings and loved to bring over groceries. I was in heaven. I had never been with such a generous guy. Unfortunately, this generosity turned out to be one of those behaviors that are actually huge red flags. Why? Because what he was really doing with those gifts was trying to change my environment and the way I was living. It wasn’t that he was being thoughtful by buying me a phone holder — he was trying to control what I did with my phone in the car. He bought an electric thermometer so that he could ensure that the temperature in my house was what he wanted it to be. He bought me a new comforter because he wanted to sleep with no top sheet and my comforter didn’t allow for that. He didn’t like my jewelry choices and wanted to control the kind of food that was in my fridge. It didn’t take me long to start noticing the pattern to his gift giving. I realized that the gifts weren’t really about me, but about him and what he wanted our environment to look like. The thing that I had been so happy about, the gift giving, was in fact his trying to control me in every way. Does your person buy you lots of gifts, gifts that are lovely but that change how you do things? If they do, that might just be one of those fake ‘good guy’ gestures that are actually huge red flags. RELATED: 5 Warning Signs That ‘Mr. Nice Guy’ Will Break Your Heart
3. Wanting to be with you all the time
The same guy that wanted to control my environment also had this interesting tendency to always want to be with me. He seemed to always need to keep in touch with me, give me rides to work ,or to bring me home dinner. At first, it was really touching. I had never had a guy who wanted to be with me like this. He paid attention to what I wanted, was generous with his time and energy, and made me feel wanted and loved. As time went on, however, I started to see that his wanting to be with me, to take care of me, to stay in touch with me always, were additional signs of his need to control me and our environment. I found that, if I did something that stepped outside of his comfort zone, he would react harshly. One day I drove 5 hours round trip to help my son, and he reacted very negatively about the effort that I made. He just couldn’t understand when I told him that it was a dream come true having my son in the car, alone, for five hours. He had no kids, so he just didn’t see my point of view. He felt that, by taking this trip, I was rejecting him and not respecting his time. As time went on, these things happened more and more frequently. I realized that this need to be with me, in combination of the constant ‘gift giving’, was a sign that this man I thought was so wonderful and kind was actually very controlling. And I ran. As quickly as I could. RELATED: 5 Easy Ways To Attract High-Quality, Marriage-Material Men
4. Spending a lot of money on you
I have a client whose new beau loves to spend money, on her and on everything. He takes her out for dinners, and always insists on paying. When they go out with friends he always pulled out his credit card. He brings her flowers and chocolates and is very generous when they are out and about. At first, she just loved it. She had her own money but it was nice to have someone be so willing to reach into their wallet for her. It made her feel very safe and taken care of. But, as time went on, all the money that he was spending started to trouble her. He was a lawyer so must have made a good living and she figured that he was good for the money that he spent, even if it did seem a bit excessive at times. And then, she learned that he was working a second job at a gas station and that he lived with his mother. She learned that he was a lawyer but that he had left his firm and that he had been tutoring paralegals while he looked for another job. She also learned that, even though he was constantly pulling out his plastic, he was close to maxed out on his credit card, without the ability to pay even the monthly minimum. My client was so sad. She thought that she had met this wonderful, generous man, who spoke her language of gift giving. What she had found instead was a wonderful, generous man who couldn’t take care of his finances and was in a huge amount of debt, debt that he just couldn’t face. This was actually a huge red flag that she had missed. Once she noticed it, she had to walk away, devastated. RELATED: 15 Definitive Signs You’re With A Good Man (As Written By One)
5. Eager to change for you
Have you ever gone on a date and not really been yourself? Have you been the person who you thought your date might like instead of who you really are? Have you felt that, if you could just get him interested, then you could be more of yourself? Have any of these dates ever turned into long term relationships? I am guessing not. Do you have a guy who is willing and eager to make change for you? Will he stop watching football on Sundays to spend time with you? Does he buy clothes that he knows you will like, even if they are completely different from the ones he usually wears? Does he skip out hanging with his friends and go out with you and your girlfriends instead? Do you feel like you have hit the jackpot with this guy? I am afraid not. A guy who is willing to change his whole life for you is someone with huge red flags that you should not ignore. A guy who is willing to change his whole life for someone only does that because he doesn’t know who he is in the world. And the last thing that you want is to be in a relationship with a guy who is floundering, not sure of who he is or what he wants or what he believes and is willing to adapt to your life because he has none of his own. If you have a guy who you find is twisting himself into a pretzel to be the man he thinks you want him to be, it’s not a gift. It’s a big red flag that you should notice and heed. RELATED: If He Does These 8 Things, Congrats! You Found A Real Man I want to say again that I don’t believe that all men who display fake ‘nice guy’ gestures are sociopaths, out there in the world to break women’s hearts. Men who display fake ‘nice guy’ gestures are often just men, doing their best in the world — trying to find love just like everyone else. And, while that is understandable, that doesn’t mean that they are someone you want to enter into a relationship with. Has your guy leaned in really quickly, been buying you frivolous gifts, spending all his time with you, and being the person he thinks you want him to be? If yes, proceed cautiously. These actions just might be authentic but only time will tell. As you wait and watch, take care of your heart in case it turns out that these gestures are not what you want them to be but really red flags that it’s time for you to walk away. RELATED: The One Sign I See In My Practice That Indicates A Relationship Is Going To Last Mitzi Bockmann is a certified life coach and relationship coach. She uses her ten years of experience to help people find happiness and love.
