What I’ve come to learn recently is that some of the things that you think are red flags in a partner might actually be signs of emotional well-being! He just might be total boyfriend or husband material. I learned this first-hand. My boyfriend had a lot of red flags when I met him and, as we all tend to do, I ignored them. I figured that he would change, I could fix him, or I would adapt because I wanted to be with him. And, for once, ignoring those red flags was a good thing because here I am, five years later, with the most amazing man! RELATED: The ‘Nice Guy’ Curse — Why Some Women Find Guys Who Are Too Nice Unattractive
Here are 5 things that might seem like red flags — but might be signs he’ll make a perfect partner.
1. He’s attached to his mother.
When I met my boyfriend, his mother was in a retirement home, give minutes away. He went to visit her every Friday and Sunday night. Yes, two weekend nights, every week! When I learned about this, I thought it would be a deal-breaker. I mean, I wouldn’t want to hang out with his mom two weekend nights and I believed that he would always choose her over me. I didn’t want or need either of those things! My worries were completely unfounded. While my boyfriend was extremely close to his mother, their relationship was a very healthy one. The Friday night visit usually involved a gin and tonic and on Sunday we had dinner. I genuinely enjoyed spending time with her. And the times that I wanted to stay home, he was fine with it, and if I really wanted him not to go, he wouldn’t. So, if your potential boyfriend has a close relationship with his mother don’t let it end things. Give it time and learn more. RELATED: 9 Early Red Flags He’s Not Boyfriend Material
2. They aren’t overly ambitious.
When I met my boyfriend, one of the first things that I asked him was what was his five-year plan. Did he know where he wanted to go next, professionally? When he wanted to retire? Where he wanted to travel to? I mean, I had a five-year plan and I wanted to hear his. My boyfriend just gave me a blank stare. “I don’t have one,” he said. “Oh boy,” I thought. “This is the end of this relationship.” What I’ve learned is the importance of living in the moment. Instead of obsessing about what’s next, my boyfriend focuses on the here and now. He loves his work and does it well but it’s not the focus of his life. He likes to work on cars and build things out of wood. He likes to ski, hike, and look at the sunset. My ex-husband was extremely ambitious and I found it very appealing but now I realize that he’s my ex for a reason. Being with someone who wants to live his life right now and not be on the hamster wheel — always striving to be more successful and make more money — is a wonderful thing.
3. They haven’t been in many relationships.
With each relationship and each breakup, you learn something. You learn what you want and need in a relationship. You learn how to judge what someone else wants and needs. You learn how to get over a broken heart and the most productive ways to fight. You can also learn absolutely nothing and get increasingly bitter as the years go on. My boyfriend was a newbie when it came to relationships. He had been married for 30 years and, before that, had had a few relationships in his 20s but that was it. And I was sure that this was a big red flag but it actually wasn’t! For many of us who are on the post-divorce dating circuit, we find that we meet people who have a lot of baggage. They’ve been so drained by marriage, divorce, disappointment, and broken hearts that they struggle to trust or be vulnerable. They go into new relationships very gingerly because they are petrified of being hurt again. My boyfriend had only a few relationships and never had his heart broken. Yes, he had a horrible marriage that lasted much longer than it should have but the end didn’t cause him heartbreak. It caused him relief. As a result, I have a boyfriend who came into this relationship with an open heart. I called him a “babe in the woods” because every new phase of our relationship filled him with wonder. I was very damaged by my marriage and developed terrible habits in relationships to prevent myself from getting hurt. Those habits pushed a lot of guys away after my divorce. But this guy wasn’t that way. He recognized those habits for what they were and he wasn’t triggered by them. He truly wanted to help me work through them because he loved me. No matter how hard I tried to push him away, he stayed. Why? Because he still trusted love because his heart had never been broken. It was amazing to watch. I’m so very lucky. RELATED: 7 Sexy Traits Of The Most Irresistible Men
4. They go with the flow.
I am 100% a Type A person. I like to always be in charge of what I am doing and where I am going. I plan ahead, make contingency plans, get stressed out if plans go awry. Not knowing what is going to happen next is really hard for me. I’ve always attracted other Type A people. My ex-husband was very much like me — we made a plan for everything. And, together, we were very stressed out! My boyfriend is so not like that. My boyfriend wakes up on Saturday morning, lies on the couch with coffee and car videos, and just chills for a few hours. There are no real concrete thoughts about what the day will hold — he just is. And then, after he has his time, he jumps up and is ready to take his day on. But, because he isn’t trying to control it, he just eases into it. And easing into it makes everything way less stressful! I never thought I would be able to put up with someone who goes with the flow but it has ended up being the best thing in the world for me because he demonstrates every day that you don’t have to control everything to be happy. What a relief!
5. They like you too much.
We’ve all been there —having met someone who seems to like us way more than we like them. And, for many of us, because we like the bad boys, not the nice ones, the ones who actually want to treat us with kindness and respect, we bolt. If you have someone who looks at you with love, who puts up with your baggage, who is willing to actually listen and respond in kind, who doesn’t disappear only to return a few days later with excuses, who doesn’t leave you behind on a Saturday, keep that guy. Niceness is not a red flag. It might seem like it would be boring and not a challenge, but the truth is, if you have someone who loves you a lot, don’t push them away. Try opening your heart to someone who might be different from people you have dated before. In most relationships, there’s always one person who loves the other more. And that dynamic can often flip. If you have someone who likes you more, don’t run. You might find that the shoe is on the other foot sometime in the not too distant future. So, take a risk. Try out a nice guy. You might be very happy you did! Every relationship is different and every dynamic is different so don’t do a hard stop when a red flag gets raised. Pause for a moment, consider how red the flag is, and then assess. Might it be time to explore this issue a little more before ending things? RELATED: 225 Questions To Ask Your Boyfriend To Understand Who He Is & What Makes Him Tick Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based, certified life and love coach. Let her help you find, and keep, love in this crazy world in which we live. Email her at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and get started!
