I talked down to her. I lied to her. I fought with her. I created good and bad food lists for her to live by. I punished her. I chose to not nourish her. I chose to hide her away because I was ashamed of her. She was both my abused child and my abuser. She was my worst enemy. In return she was fearful. She had no hope. RELATED: It Took Me Being Hospitalized To Learn That Being Skinny Does Not Equal Being Healthy She didn’t live. In fact, She died a little more every single day. Then one day my older sister met me to go shopping. We went to lunch. She ate as I chewed on ice. The next day I got an email from her. The subject line read, “I love you. Are you listening?” RELATED: Don’t Settle For Less Than Someone Who Exhibits These 15 Behaviors She said she cried the entire way home because I looked like I was going to die. Attached to the email was a list of doctors. She offered to help me get well. She didn’t want me to die. I tried to make excuses. I told her I had an overactive thyroid. Another lie to cover up the truth — I didn’t feel worthy enough to live. At 5 feet 10 inches tall, I weighed 96 pounds. Yes, I was dying. About a week later I was moving items around in my basement and scraped my leg alongside a cardboard box. It was a simple scrape, not even a cut. RELATED: A Woman Fat-Shamed Me On The Subway And I Actually Fought Back Two hours later my leg was still bleeding. I was so malnourished that my blood would not coagulate. I went to the emergency room that night and will never forget what I saw. As I was putting on the gown I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror on the back of a bathroom door. There were 2 mirrors across from one another and I could see my back for the first time. I could see every bone in my back. Over the next few weeks, I began eating more and more. I wasn’t overeating and I wasn’t eating junk. I Just began eating. Soon, my hair was starting to grow and my skin began glowing again. As I got stronger, my mind became healthier. It took almost 8 years for my menstrual cycle to return. Every month since my menstrual cycle has returned, I have bought myself a dress. The dress serves as a simple reminder to treat myself. To be good to myself! The dress reminds me that I deserve to live. It reminds me that it’s OK to have the curves of a woman. I bought my new dress today! To any of you who have ever felt the same … I love you. Are you listening? RELATED: Another Child Fat-Shamed My Little Girl — And It Broke Me Andrea Cox is a YourTango Contributor who writes about body image and self-esteem.
