Sometimes, a partner looks great “on paper” at first, in terms of your similar interests or circle of friends, but then as things move forward, the daily behavior and interactions between you just don’t make your heart sing. What’s happening here? Is there anything you can do to figure it all out? How do you determine if you’re in a healthy relationship, or if you should break things off? RELATED: The Scientific Reason Why People Make Bad Decisions When They Fall In Love Creating your own simple “positives vs. negatives” list can help you clarify what is and what is not working in your relationship. Sure, all relationships require some degree of compromise, but that doesn’t mean you have to settle for being unhappy the majority of the time. In the case of the woman whose inventory is shown below, she had been dating someone for three months and slept with him after seven dates. She saw him two more times after that before she called me for help because she was feeling confused and conflicted about becoming his girlfriend. In her gut, she felt he wasn’t right for her, but at the same time, she didn’t want to be alone. Use the sample below as a guideline as relationship advice and create an inventory. This will help you figure out if you’re in a good relationship, or if it’s an unhealthy relationship and it’s time to move on.
Part 1
Make two columns. In the first, list every one of his positive qualities that you can think of. In the second, list every one of his negative qualities you can think of. (Note: remember that these were specific preferences of one woman. What you think of as a positive will match your own personal preferences.) Positive qualities: Negative qualities: In the case of this particular woman, after writing her lists of both his positive and negative qualities, she read them back to herself and had a major revelation upon discovering she’d listed 15 negative qualities as compared to only listing 10 that were positive. Next, I asked her to think of her top 10 priorities in life and then to note whether or not he could help her fulfill them. RELATED: 7 Relationship Red Flags That Prove You’re In Love With The Wrong Person
Part 2
List your top 10 priorities in life. Mark each with a YES or NO in regard to whether or not your partner can help you fulfill them. In the case of this woman, the man she was seeing could only enhance three of her ten life priorities. And, on the flip side, she was easily able to find seven priorities he would actually make more difficult for her to achieve. Once the work of compiling these two lists is done, review the data you’ve collected to answer the ultimate question of this exercise: “Is this person going to make my life better?” As you can see, the not-so-great news for the woman in this same sample is that the negatives far outweigh the positives in her particular situation, but the good news is that armed with this information, she could now pinpoint the source of her frustrations and disappointments within the relationship. This left her with two choices: When this woman chose the latter, I told her not to be sad because this was a way to get better in touch with her deepest wants and needs and she, therefore, now has a better chance of finding a man who is worthy of her physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually. It was the first time I saw her smile and she told me she felt relieved, as though a huge weight had been lifted off her. You’re better off alone than being with somebody who lacks the qualities that you are looking for in a relationship. In the meantime, be your own partner and treat yourself as if you are madly in love with yourself. RELATED: How Do You Know That You’re In A Healthy Relationship? Dr. Ava Cadell is a clinical sexologist, sex counselor, founder of Loveology University, and President of the American College of Sexologists International. She’s the author of 9 books and has a mission to empower people to overcome sexual guilt and shame. This article was originally published at Sexpert.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.
