So why does it seem so easy for certain people — and so hard for you? Maybe you notice that your relationships start out with a great connection, but then fall apart before there’s exclusivity. Or you’re always finding fault with the people you date, deselecting them for superficial reasons, and not letting anyone get too close to you. “Why can’t I find love?” you wonder. These are signs that you’re self-sabotaging your chances for love. As dating coaches, we’ve seen this happen more times than we can count. Self-sabotage is a tricky issue because, ultimately it’s you that’s causing the relationship to fall apart, even when it seems like the problem is the other person. Knowing you’re stuck in a self-sabotage cycle will make all the difference in whether you can break the cycle and find love that lasts. RELATED: 5 Ways You Subtly Sabotage All Your Relationships Without Realizing It
Wondering why you can’t find love? Take a look at these 11 reasons why, and see if any resonate with you.
1. You have a fear of intimacy.
Allowing yourself to fully show up and be seen by your partner can feel scary at times. What if they reject you or you get hurt again? Emotional intimacy is the glue that holds any lasting relationship together. If you can’t share your inner thoughts and feelings, then your relationship will always be superficial.
2. You have an inner conflict.
When you have two beliefs or desires that seem to be the opposite of each other (like freedom vs. relationship), you’re stuck in an inner conflict. This internal conflict will self-sabotage any potential relationship because of the inherent dissonance between the two things you need and want. The most difficult part of having an inner conflict that keeps you from the love you desire is that you end up feeling so stuck that you may become ambivalent or cynical about love over time.
3. You’re out of rapport with yourself.
Being in rapport with yourself is the feeling of being connected to inner awareness and having empathy for yourself. When you’re out of rapport with yourself, you aren’t connected to your feeling state or your inner dialogue. A lack of self-rapport causes you to self-sabotage your relationships because you are unaware of your actual motivation for your behavior. You don’t know what you really need so you’re unable to articulate your needs to your partner, causing you to act out in ways that are detrimental to your relationship.
4. You suffer from low self-esteem or insecurity.
Projecting your insecurities and lack of belief in yourself onto your partner will self-sabotage your relationship. Projecting them onto your romantic partner can cause you to feel overly jealous, question your partner’s affection for you, or believe that no one could really love you. Whether you have low self-esteem or feel insecure about yourself, your partner is neither the cause of these beliefs nor can they fix them for you. Expecting your partner to fill the void inside of you will sabotage your chances at lasting love.
5. You’re afraid of conflict
Conflicts are a natural part of being a human living with other humans. Being able to work through your differences in a healthy way creates a bond and an emotional intimacy that cements the trust and love between the two of you. Avoiding conflict doesn’t make it go away. It just creates an emotional chasm between the two of you that blocks intimacy and connection. If you’re going along to get along you will end up angry and resentful over time because you will, at some point, feel so unsatisfied that you will not be able to tolerate the other person. RELATED: 6 Honest Reasons You’re In Love With Someone You Can’t Have — And How To Deal With It
6. You’re too trusting.
In a healthy relationship, over time, your partner has earned the benefit of the doubt. They have proven themselves to be trustworthy and someone you can open your heart to. You’re self-sabotaging your relationships when you give the benefit of the doubt to someone who hasn’t earned it yet. Don’t give the benefit of the doubt to a stranger just because you find them attractive. The romance stage of a relationship floods your brain with feel-good chemicals and clouds your judgment.
7. You’re too critical.
Conversely, don’t be overly critical of someone who has proven themselves to be trustworthy. Letting little annoyances become big problems is self-sabotaging behavior. Criticizing and judging all the ways in which the two of you are different and ignoring your partner’s strengths creates a wedge between the two of you. Opposites attract due to built-in species survival so you will be in a relationship with someone who thinks differently than you and who has different strategies than you do.
8. You have unrealistic expectations.
Putting unrealistic expectations on yourself, your partner, or the relationship will create nothing but disappointment and sabotage your chances at love. Your partner is not going to be everything for you or solve all your problems nor will they be a perfect person. Your partner will be a normal flawed human being, one that you will have to practice compassion and forgiveness with. Having the unrealistic expectation that you will never have conflict or a misunderstanding sets the bar at a level no person could ever reach.
9. You’re holding on to anger and resentment.
When you carry around resentment towards your partner, you’re poisoning the relationship and self-sabotaging the opportunity for love to grow and flourish. Anger and resentment are often present because you’re sacrificing what you want or need in order to keep the peace to make your partner happy. Or you have the unrealistic expectation that your partner comes with mindreading powers and should just know what you need, and you resent having to speak up and ask them for it.
10. You’re avoiding rejection.
An easy way to avoid rejection is to never allow someone close to you so you never risk your heart, which sabotages your chances at love. The pursuit of your beloved will always lead to some level of rejection because not everyone you desire will desire you back. If you strike first and reject others before they can reject you, you won’t get hurt, but you also won’t experience sharing your life with your soulmate.
11. Your subconscious programming is sabotaging you.
Ultimately, self-sabotage comes from deep-seated beliefs about love and relationship that are in conflict with your desire for soul-satisfying long-lasting love. You learned about love in your family of origin and the beliefs, strategies, and emotional patterns you developed are still with you today. This subconscious program is the driving force behind your self-sabotaging behavior. It drives you to be drawn to the same types of situations over and over again until you break the cycle and learn new strategies that open the door to the love you want. Once you know what factors are holding you back, you can truly start the process of healing and establishing new patterns and behaviors. If you really want to find love that lasts, if you really want to have relationships that include true emotional intimacy, you will need to be honest with yourself. But love is worth it in the end, is it not? RELATED: What It Really Takes To Find Love And Be In A Perfect Relationship Orna and Matthew Walters are Soulmate Coaches who have been featured guest experts on Bravo’s “The Millionaire Matchmaker.” They’re the authors of the free report, “7 Steps To Soulmating,” which can be found on their website. This article was originally published at Creating Love On Purpose. Reprinted with permission from the author.
